Conversations 19 - Now That You Are Gone

It's often said that people pay something its true value of when that thing is gone. That thing can take different forms - of material possessions, of places where they lived, or people that they loved. The quote has been through a few transformations, such as the one where the victim claims that they are being taken for granted and not being given the attention and respect that they deserve.

In my own personal experience, I have been through this phase of complains and crying, between the sorrow and fear of loss and the joy and pleasure of sorting things out, to change for the better only to have you bail out at the last second, leaving me in a place and position that I never thought was possible.

My uncanny resistance to change means that it has been a little more difficult than it should have been and our missing conversations have not been very helpful either. While the reduced time is understandable, the realisation of less of your voice, the minimal of your expressions and the absence of your touch is much harder to get used to.

Now that you are gone, I have found too much time - to work, to think, to do stuff that I couldn't before, to cherish my own being, to be by myself, to sort things out by myself, to find my own way out to trouble, to experience 'missing', to crave your presence, to wish for your time, to prevent my fingers from disturb you at 3AM in the morning and to feel my pounding heart say otherwise. It's scary.

But this is not the first time we have been in such a situation. I clearly remember the last time you confessed your lack of love for me and the kind of things I put myself through to deal with it. I can recall the time I spoke along the same lines to get one back at you and the overwhelming scenario that you found yourself in.

Among the many negatives of those days, I can't help but think that those emotions deserve the credit for taking us to the places where we are, with our hands in each other's, expressing the feelings of love that we have for one another. And yet, the lack of you continues to deliver hurt and the feelings of dread as the distance between us has gone from a few meters to some thousands. At the same times, letters such as this keep us connected, the beating hearts and the ticking clocks shortening the time until we see each other again.

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