Conversations 18 - Another Year With You

Do you know what awkward feels like? It's when I take weeks to gather the words and the courage to talk to you only to find myself frozen with fear as nervousness runs around in my head when I have you standing a foot away from me.

It gets worse when I have to express my feelings for you. It's at that moment when the mind starts paying way too much attention to other body functions, stealing the words away from my mouth and forcing the little few that make it through to come out in a stammer. As for the rest of the confidence, it goes missing with the transparent facial expressions that everyone else seems to notice and the cunning somebodies calling them out.

Do you know what affection feels like? It's when I manage to stand in front of you with a hopeful expression and all the hooting and name calling in the background; searching for meaningless words when your own expressions of love deliver me the happiness that it both overwhelming and encouraging.

It's when having a person to love is not showing off to peers, but a feeling that lingers even when you are not around and the thought of seeing you again is enough to increase my heart beats per minute. It's when your tears in my hands and your soft smile on my own is an elation is an elation that keeps pushing me into tomorrow. It's when I seek you only to find that you need me.

Do you know what fear feels like? It's when the phone network refuses to connect my call to you, throwing me into a fit of paranoia that pushes me to run all the way to your place, where finding you safe is not enough till you wrap your arms around me.

It's when the worst of the arguments end in a goodbye that feels like it will be the last and the thought of losing you continues to scare me until we finally talk. It's when I find out that you'll be leaving soon and there isn't anything I could do to change it but listen to your voice consoling me that things will be all right.

Do you know what another year with you feels like? The same way I felt when I first saw you years ago, the same way it felt when we first talked, the same way it was when I first confessed and the same way I felt when we first kissed. It's the same love, the same passion and the same you and I that started this journey so many years ago and that will continue as far as I know.


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